I Kissed a Snake for the first and Last Time.
Another assignment for English 12. We were required to write a piece that would cause "uncle teacher" as he calls himself, to "laugh, chuckle, chortle and guffaw"So yes...below is my attempt.
THIS IS A TRUE STORY!I thought and I thought, "oh what would make uncle teacher laugh?" I thought about blonde jokes, but all seemed too crude. I thought about sarcasm, but would that really cause a chortle or a guffaw? After pondering for what must have been ages (five minutes) I had an idea. There is something grossly appealing about the misery of others. It seems that watching someone else in an unfortunate situation, can often be quite amusing. Hey, it works for
America's Funniest Home Videos!Today I will tell you the tale of my first kiss. I'll warn you now, if you don't find this funny, you will likely find it quite disturbing.
It was a warm June night, and I, being the dedicated student that I am, was doing my homework. Or watching t.v. Whichever. At any rate, I was in my room. I heard a knock at my front door. I got up and sauntered to the door, as pre-teen girls tend to when they think a cute boy may be on the other side. Sure enough, there was a cute boy. My boyfriend in fact, and three other baboons. Or boys. Whichever.
The five of us walked off into the night. The smaller, stinkier of the boys looked at me and grinned, "we have firecrackers!" Was this boy-code? What did he mean? I was soon to find out.
We arrived at a bridge about a kilometer away from my house. It was dark, and the street was only lit up by the porch light of a nearby house.
The smaller, stinkier boy (who I can only assume was the spokesman for the group) spoke again. "In my hand I have a firecracker. Who will be brave enough to stick this where no object (that we know of) has ever gone before?" The hairy boy, whose name I later learned was Tyler looked sick, "are you serious man?" The stinky boy said, "do we have a volunteer?"
"No we do not"
"If you don't Tyler, I'll tell everyone at school what you're doing with those Sears catalogs under your bed!"
"Okay man, okay! I'll do it!"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Oh wait...seeing. Tyler had pulled down his pants and was bending at the knees. He looked frightened and said, "what if my ass catches on fire?" The stinky boy smiled, "you'd be God man, you'd be God!" That was that. Off went the firecracker. Tyler's behind caught fire and the ambulance was called to his aid. Ha. Not really. I'm just kidding. He chickened out and the guys teased him for the rest of the night.
Later, the stinky boy, who we all know was full of such brilliant ideas, suggested a game of truth or dare. Up until this night, I thought a bad dare was the time we dared Ryan to lick the litter box. No, it can get much worse. The boys took turns mooning cars and rubbing body parts on the street. It would be my turn next. I must have been high off the midnight air, because for some reason, I chose "dare". The stinky boy grinned. Oh no, this was going to be bad. "I dare you to kiss Fakename."
Oh no! He didn't! He dared me to kiss my boyfriend! I've never kissed a real live boy before! No, kindergarten doesn't count! All right, I can do this. I looked ahead.
Oh my, what is he doing? Fakename was coming at me full speed. His tongue was dangling outside his mouth. What was he doing?
This can't really be how kissing is done. Oh no! He's in my mouth. Is he really supposed to jab me like that? His eyes are closed, maybe I should close mine too. Oh good, it's over."Well, I should be getting home," I heard myself say. I took off down the street. The boys followed. We were silent. We reached the bottom of my driveway. Fakename looked deep into my eyes. Oh no! He isn't going to try that snakey-tongue thing again is he? "Um nice seeing you!" I high-fived him and ran inside.
That, sadly, is the story of my first kiss. Was it as amusing as watching a grown man take a baseball to the groin? Doubtful. I'm sure
America's Funniest might air it on a slow night though. Laugh at my discomfort. Go ahead. Laugh.
Bush lied? Imagine that.
Yet another English 12 assignment.
The topic which I am choosing to write about today, is something I saw on the news a while ago. On CNN, they were showing documentational proof that Saddam Hussein was not connected to Al Qaeda. I find this interesting because I was not aware that the Bush Administration had stated that he was connected to Al Qaeda in the first place.
According to the document, Saddam Hussein was not connected to Al Qaeda in any way. He did not trust the Al Qaeda and felt that they were, "a threat" to his regime. I find it pretty disturbing that the Bush Administration was so eager to call a connection between Hussein and Al Qaeda. The reason for this was obviously a sad attempt to justify the invasion of Iraq. This invasion being solely for the purpose of acquiring oil. Oh no, I'm sorry, the purpose was to, "bring peace to the middle east." My mistake.
Of all the lies and propaganda fed to the general public by politicians and the Bush Administration, I find this lands the top five recently most disturbing. My reasoning for this is due to the fact that plainly, it worked. How many Americans felt warm and fuzzy feelings after being fed the, "peace in the middle east" bull? Too many, that's how. Am I the only one who finds it hard to trust a man who is so ignorant as to think that collectively, Pakistanian people should be referred to as "Pakis". Or how about a man who says something as moronic as, "most of our imports come from overseas"? If you felt slightly uneasy when the invasion of Iraq began, what was your first clue it was a bad idea? Are you really that surprised that you were lied to? Are you really that surprised that Hussein is not connected to Al Qaeda? I'm not.
Country Music Causes Brain Damage
The following is an assignment I handed in for English 12. Enjoy.
Country music causes brain damage. I agree with this statement in the not quite literal sense. I believe that it does fill your head with bad ideas and idiotic points of view. I think country music should be banned for it's agreement with self-pity and moronic behavior. In a sense, country music does cause brain damage by filling your head with all of this.
Have you ever sat down and listened to the lyrics of country music? If you have, you'd quickly take on a mood change. Country music induces over-dramatic behavior, depression and heavy drinking. If self-pity isn't already an issue for you, it soon will be. Do you want an example? Of course you do. Okay, how about Montgomery and Gentry's "Cold One Coming On"? The song is about the guy's girlfriend leaving him, and the chorus goes something like this:
It makes you wanna start thinking about drinking.
If I don't find a way to ease my mind and leave all this behind...
I'm gonna go crazy without you baby.A bar room or a bedroom back at home...
I feel a cold one coming on.
What is the message this song sends out? "When your girlfriend leaves you, the way to make everything better is to get tanked and pass out." Brilliant. Whatever happened to going out with your buddies and trashing the girl until you build up your confidence enough to be done with it? Now we've got to sit around alone drinking ourselves silly when something doesn't go our way?
Although in the literal sense, country music does not cause brain damage, it does give you the most idiotic ideas. Things like, "drinking makes you feel better" (way to promote alcoholism!) and "being a hick is cool!" One of the country songs I hate the most (trust me, I hate many) is by Gretchen Wilson. The song is called, "Redneck Woman" and it...I'm feeling the disgust build up...consists of a lot of "hell yeah"s and "yee haw"s. The gist of the song is that, she is a redneck, and she is very proud of it. There is no need to be proud of being a redneck, I'm sorry to say:
Hey I'm redneck woman
And I ain't no high class broad
I'm just a product of my raisin'
And I say "hey y'all" and "Yee Haw"
And I keep my Christmas lights on, on my front porch all year long
And I know all the words to every Tanya Tucker song
So here's to all my sisters out there keeping it country
Let me get a big "Hell Yeah" from the redneck girls like me
Hell Yeah
Hell Yeah
Excuse me while I go barf. Not only does it project the false view that being a redneck is a good thing, but this song would leave grammar-police crying by the end:
Well I ain't never
Been the barbie doll type
There you have it. Illiterate, depressed, self-pity ridden country music. Is there nothing better? Ha. Don't waste your time listening to this crap. Go read a book or something. You'll have to after all the poor grammar has seeped through your brain and destroyed it.
It's not easy being 11, it just isn't.
Msn convo from the wee hours of the morning (10am) yesterday. The pink is moi. Enjoy lovers. Enjoy.
Want some candy, little girl? says:is it wrong, that when I hear the word blowjob
Want some candy, little girl? says:I think of you?
You'll Think Of Me. says:yes.
You'll Think Of Me. says:why the hell is that? lol
Want some candy, little girl? says:I'm just kidding.
You'll Think Of Me. says:o haha
Want some candy, little girl? says:however
You'll Think Of Me. says:I was like just what I need..
Want some candy, little girl? says:
I do associate the words "big tits" with you. For better or worse.
You'll Think Of Me. says:
lol niiiice
You'll Think Of Me. says:
they've done some shrinking..
Want some candy, little girl? says:For the better, I predict.
Want some candy, little girl? says:
I can see you getting into a fitness kick one of these days and you won't want no black eyes when you hit the gym
You'll Think Of Me. says:LMAO.. I am scared to run actually..
Want some candy, little girl? says:"Candi, what HAPPENED TO YOUR NOSE?"
"12 minute run"
You'll Think Of Me. says:ahahaha.. can you imagine jumping jacks? yikes.
Want some candy, little girl? says:womp-womp! womp-womp!
Want some candy, little girl? says:you'd be the first and last to get whiplash from jumping jacks
You'll Think Of Me. says:lol..I'd make national headlines >_<
You'll Think Of Me. says:no.. prolli not
Want some candy, little girl? says:that'd be awesome
You'll Think Of Me. says:the guy who got knocked out by his giant balls would beat me to the headlines I'm sure..
Want some candy, little girl? says:ew, no
Want some candy, little girl? says:haha did you ever see that standup routine by Chelsea Handler?
Want some candy, little girl? says:"Why do people say no balls is a bad thing? You know they need to tell you about Big Dick's 2 hairy friends a lot earlier cause I found out when they were smacking me in the face, yeah! I would have liked a fucking warning!.....
Want some candy, little girl? says:it's not easy when you're 11, it's not!"
You'll Think Of Me. says:
lmao brillllllliant
Excerpt From Life.
I'm frustrated. I've been here for 4 nights, and every day since I've arrived I've busted my ass. I've cleaned, I've organized, I've made salads and did dishes, I've helped out in every way I possibly can. Every night since being here, with the exception of one, I've romped with him for hours (ha) and watched him nap it off. Now, he says thank-you, but I don't feel appreciated. He comes home from work yesterday, and askes me why I was in bed (I was tired from cleaning)then he doesn't say more than a few words to me (which was, "after supper we'll watch a movie), makes supper, and then just sits at the table silent. He finishes supper, I help him with the dishes and put everything away..Then, he grabs the paint and says, "I'm going to paint the master bedroom" and is already halfway up the stairs. A little sad that we aren't going to be spending time together watching I movie, I say, "well, do you want me to help?" and he says, "no" and closes the door. An hour and a half later he's done, I was already back in my pjs..he comes in and says, "oh" and then walks out the door. I yell after him, "what?" and he says, "I'll let you
sleep." Annoyed, I get out of bed, get dressed, and go downstairs. His mood immediately changes to cheery and he says, "let's watch a movie now!" So we do, then have a romp on the couch...he says, "you turn off the t.v, I'll be upstairs, nude, waiting for you." I go upstairs, and he's in bed and says, "I'm tired."Nice. It was 20 after 10 and I wasn't tired, and now I was slightly aggrivated so I spent the next hour online..bored. I went in the bedroom to go to sleep and he was all distant and cranky seeming. This made me feel uneasy, and then I was again, no longer tired or feeling like being near him. I spent the night in the spare room, and crawled back in bed shortly before his alarm went off this morning. He didn't look at me, or touch me. He got dressed for work, kissed me, said, "bye." and walked out the door. I feel like crap and I am unaware of whether or not it is justifiable..
I'm not cleaning today.
Love.
Iny weeny teeny weeny,shriveled little...
Ah, it's been ages (4 days) since I've written in this thing. Seems I've got a lot of comments to respond to (10 or so). Yikes.
Alright, so today I was channel surfing as I often do, and I stopped on MuchMusic. There was a song playing and it was like a train wreck in my mind--it was so horrifying, and yet, I just couldn't look away. The song was (on the station) called, "Short Short Man" by a group called, 20 Fingers. In reality, the song is called, "Short Dick Man." I can't even rant about this one, I'm too baffled. Just check out the
lyrics. LOLLove.
Just Plant Us in the Damn Garden W/ the Stupid Lion
"The kid gets everything. Just plant us in the damn garden with the stupid lion."I don't do movie reviews--it's not my style. Today though, I was surfing channels on t.v and I came across a movie which had JUST STARTED yay. So, being bored, I watched it.
"Second Hand Lions" is FUDGING AWESOME! It's got Haley Joel Osment from "The Sixth Sense" Basically, the kid's horrible mother drops him off at the place of his two uncles whom he's never meant and takes off. They supposedly are sitting on a fortune which they have hidden somewhere on their property. At first, his uncles are crazy fools, who scare the crap out of him and don't seem to want him around..but then after finding that his mother is a liar, Osment's character is warmed up to by the two old guys. The two men have lived adventurous lives, and throughout the movie, one uncle describes his brother's love and loss story that got them their fortune and where they are today. It's awesome. Watch it. Now.
Love.
Marky Mark, I'm Too Funky For Your Bunch
Don't ask what the damn title is about, I don't know what the hell my problem is. Anyway, so for probably the last week
True Hollywood Story has been airing on
MuchMusic with a
feature on Mark Wahlberg. Today, I was finally bored enough to sit down and watch the entire thing. So it turns out that Wahlberg was a street-kid with a bad rap, who was the kid brother of
Donnie Wahlberg from
New Kids on the Block. Donnie helped him out..and
Mark began a series of un-related adventures that all eventually led to his popularity today. It was quite interesting. If you're a
Mark Wahlberg fan, or don't know much about the guy, but are a fan of his work..I very much suggest checking out his bio and reading his stats. The guy fought his way to the top...literally.
Love.
**Title:
Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.
**Image snatched from
http://www.unreel.co.uk
TMI Candi Shares Sex-Life Troubles
So, I had the bright idea of buying some sexy underwear (o0o0o) to use in celebration of..well, I dunno. I was planning on someone doing me..and soon. Now, after buying the lacy, barely-there items I feel indifferent to the whole idea of sex. I once was filled with urges involving neck-ties as gags, and copious amounts of flavoured lube, but now I just can't seem to find the drive. The mere thought of 'slipping into something more comfortable' doesn't seem so 'comfortable' in my mind today. I act as though I haven't had sex in years..Maybe it's just a self-image problem, or perhaps I think too much. I'm the one that always says, "let's just let things happen as they may" but I rarely seem to put it into practise. That's it. Shutupbrain.Love.*TMI*
Stop Praying Joe Blow.
I am not religious. I likely will never be religious. Why? I think I have yet to actually sit down and read up on a religion enough to say to myself, "wow, I would really like to be a part of this." Like most things, religion is something that I do not by
any means, profess to know a lot about--however, I
do read a lot, and I
do have my little opinions on things..
So let's get started shall we?
A woman I know all too well has gotten in the habit of saying things to me like, "you need to be saved" and, "I've been praying for you." Now I'm sorry to say, but this praying crap is one of those things I have some strong opinions about.
My beef* about praying happens to be people who, instead of doing something to help the situation, pray to make themselves feel better about not actually doing anything at all. Now, I'm an understanding type of person, so I get the whole idea of praying for your 'God' to guide you through a tough time. I'm all for praying for this 'God' to help guide you as you do whatever it is you are trying to do. But, people who are praying that Joe Blow may find a job are no friends of mine. If you want you buddy to find a job, and you're feeling oh so bad that he's having trouble, wouldn't it be slightly more help to him for you to grab a newspaper off the stand and check local listings for a job he might be qualified for, rather than kneeling** on your bedroom floor praying that a job might miraculously fall into his lap?
Love.
PLEASE NOTE: This post is completely opinion-based and is in no way "dissing" your religion. Any religion. So please refrain from the hate-mail.
*to avoid potential confusion, definition #3 is what I am referring to.
**I realize that this is a sterotype. I apologize.
The picture used in this entry was taken from a site called Scrappyland and before that, taken out of a 1930's book called, "Scrappy Big Little Book".
Man Fights Off Bear by Bitch-Slap.
I have a livejournal, and today whilst going through the mounds of updates on my friends page, I came across a post by a good friend of mine. Apparently he had been reading an article about a man, who fought off a bear by literally hitting it in the face. The bear, likely stunned that the man had the balls to fight back, ran off. You can check out the full article
here.Love.**
Picture is from a Doritos ad.Check it out here.
"Help I'm Shallow!"
I'm an avid reader, I have many interests and I tend to surf the web too often seraching for something that I infact find interesting. One of the ways that I accumulate information of my interest, is by signing up for online newsletters. They get mailed me me every morning filling up my inbox, and I'll admit, are kind of annoying.
So this morning, I was checking out one of the newsletters that I get sent, and there was an add for a site called,
Salon.com On this site they have a sort of advice-like column done in classic online public forum style called,
"Since you asked ..." So for kicks, I decided to go check it out. For the most part, the questions and topics seemed pretty interesting. Topics brought up were things like,
maternal depression, arranged marriages, teachers sleeping with students etc. One topic however, ticked me off. The topic was so
politely named,
"Help! I'm falling for a fat man!" This woman writes saying, "I like this guy a lot, but the poundage is a turnoff." And then proceeds to write about how he is so "special" but, "he's not merely out of shape or a hike and a swim away from fit, he's fat." Charming really.
My thoughts on this? Well, obviously looks weren't an issue in the initial, "falling for" the guy, but now they seem to be what, the thing that is keeping them apart? What is happening to the world that we now put such an emphasis on the outer appearance rather than on the inner. Sure, this isn't something that's new. People all over the world in every culture since the beginning of time have had prefrences on appearance. Some African tribes thinking facial scratches are attractive, and the Victorians being all for the bigger, paler women. This, will always be a factor in life, but what I don't understand is why, if this woman is crazy for the guy, and already attracted to him to the point that he, "won't leave my consciousness" his looks matter to her at all.
Love.
*Her post in this forum led to a childish fight, if you'd like to see this monstrosity feel free to check it out.*
Candi Gets Serious For A Minute (Real Life Crap)
In the end, when a relationship fails, the only people who care are the two involved. The ending could be so damn messy and hateful, but no one will care but the two people involved. You can look back on a relationship over and over and wonder, "what went wrong" but there's nothing you can pinpoint, and no one to bounce your ideas off. In the end, it is the end and there is no turning back time and wishing things could've turned out differently. All you can do is move in the future, not the past. You have to keep walking, keep living and breathing. Whatever happens happens.
And if in the end, there are still feelings left over, which there often are, there are two ways you can deal with them. One way is to keep them to yourself and never know how the other person feels. This way may seem easier and make you slowly forget about the person, and you may believe they've forgotten you. The second way is to tell the other person how you feel. Tell them once, and then leave it alone. If the person has any interest in how you feel, you will know--and then you can deal with if from there. You cannot make someone love you, but wouldn't it just be better to know whether or not they do?
Is it wrong to think thay maybe they don't love you, that they are just saying so to make you feel guilty, or for some other reason which you can't quite figure out? Is it wrong to question someone when they say, "I love you" ?I've been trying to move on (failing of course), and feeling criticized for doing so. Is it so wrong for me to want to be loved by someone? Is it so wrong for me to want to be there for someone and to be needed by them? I wanted to be needed too. I think I'm tired of saying how I feel, and I know I'm tired of worrying about what it means. I'm damn tired of hurting, and sick and tired of wishing for someone, anyone.. to scream, "Candace I love you and always will!."
Love.
*This was all in response to a comment in my ex boyfriend's blog in which he said,
"I don't want to be mediocre either. I want to be the best at something. I guess one thing that bothers me immensely is that I'm so... replacable. Friends, family, work, love. I can, will, and have been replaced in every category I listed off.Now before you say, "But _____, you're unique and we love you!" Think about how many times you've come to visit me as a friend, how quickly you've moved on as a lover, or how soon you've forgotten me as family. You love me as long as I'm complaining, because the squeeky wheel gets the grease. On a daily basis, however, I live as I am and am often forgotten if I don't go out of my way for something. Even if we ignore the short term basis, would any of you try to look me up in ten years if we don't talk for that long?I sincerely doubt it unless something reminds you of me.I just want to be remembered for something. I want to be needed for something, anything, by anyone. I just need to be REALLY needed, and irreplacable...."*
It Flipped and It Flopped.. (Flip-Flop Lovers Pt.2)
Well, I suppose I should've looked more into this site
Comfy before I had joined. It seems to me, unless it's even more complicated to navigate than I had originally thought, that the site has no form of communication between it's members. From what I see, the whole idea is to get members from different countries and stick them on a
list. Why? Because they can. So the experiment was a flop (haha). It looks as though I might have to find some other weird teen internet cult to join. I wonder if
that will be hard to find.../sarcasm
Love.
*if you for some sad, sad reason were interested in this flip-flop fanlisting and would like to know more about the creater of Comfy and what other fanlistings she has created, check out infanity her blog.*
